Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Second Time Around

*I wrote this about a month ago*

Now that people have found out that I'm pregnant the question I get asked the most is "Are you excited?"  Of course i'm excited, but if I'm being honest i'm scared out of my mind.

With the first baby you have no clue what to expect other than stories you hear from others or what you might read.  Everything is just an element of surprise and it's so exciting to reach the next milestone in the pregnancy.  

Don't get me wrong, I get excited about going to the doctor and am able to hear the heartbeat, I can't wait to find out the gender and feel him/her kick and squirm around.  I'm scared about what happens during delivery.  I vividly remember that.  Obviously having a child as a result of that pain is definitely worth it all, but I'm still scared.  

Since Addi was in the NICU for the first month of her life, I didn't have the experience of taking home a newborn.  We could only see her during visiting hours, so I tried to relax as much as possible outside of those hours.  Staying at the hotel for 3 weeks cut out on travel time to and from the hospital, so I could just walk back to our room and take a nap if I needed to.  So, I'm definitely nervous about bringing home a newborn!

I'm also afraid of how Addi will handle having a baby in the house.  It won't all be about her.  She especially LOVES her daddy and gets very jealous if his attention gets directed to someone else.  Even when he gives me attention over her she tells me to "go play" haha!

Most of all, i'm scared something is going to happen during/after delivery.  I know i'm going to be a paranoid mess and it's going to be hard for me just to relax.  I guess I just automatically assume something bad is going to happen (I know this is crazy).  As much as I trust in God's plan for my life, I can't shake the nervousness.  I guess that means I have a lot of work to do on just letting go and giving it all to Him.

I feel like everywhere I look there is hurting and sadness because of the sickness or death of a loved one.  There are a ton of Facebook pages and blogs dedicated to telling the stories of sick children.  I can't look at them.  I used to, but they began taking my mind to a bad place.  A place where I would be so worried about that happening to my child or my husband that it would just make me sick.  I do pray for these children and families, but when it comes to reading the details of their situations, I just simply can't. I have no doubts that God heals because I have seen it with my own two eyes.

I have been praying for strength and confidence in knowing that God will be in control no matter what happens.  I don't for one second question Him.  I may not understand why things happen the way they do, but I do understand that His plan is greater than mine and no matter what all I want to do is glorify Him.

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